Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize