What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
