Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
