I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
