Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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