she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
