I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she looked like the before picture.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
