I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
