If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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