How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize