I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
