You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
