I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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