you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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