Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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