you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
