After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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