Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
