he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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