I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize