uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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