So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize