just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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