I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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