ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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