Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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