so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
