saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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