I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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