i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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