I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We're too hungover to prance.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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