Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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