Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
false alarm. still invincible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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