my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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