k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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