I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
