If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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