Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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