Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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