Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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