So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
