i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
