If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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