I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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