They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We had sex on a dog bed..
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
