hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
