I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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