The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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