How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
