Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
