My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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