i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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