Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Vodka?
Forever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
