it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My bed smells like the plague
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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