I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
